Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
