im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
