I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
