I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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