I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
