Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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