I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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