I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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