five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
