I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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