Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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