my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
