Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we're making bets on your personal life
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
