Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
