Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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