i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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