My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
