so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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