apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
