"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I love how my cats smell like pot.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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