Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm sobbing to NWA
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
