According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
