Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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