standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
