i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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