Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
