I just saw a hot homeless man
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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