I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
