a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
