I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
