i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
