If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
