Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
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Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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