I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
