im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
