Just took my morning after pill in the library
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
