oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
