there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
