Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
should my penis look like a turkey
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
