jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
