I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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