I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
