I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
