he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
