Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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