I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
