around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
