see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
