i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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