Duck Duck Cougar?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
