Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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