he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
