There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
