I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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