but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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