Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
