I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
